Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Exposure

Our bodies are battle grounds for people who will never have to live in them. As long as you live in a body that is not cis, abled, white, & male? Someone’s going to spend a lot of time, energy, & money digging into why you’re wrong for existing. They’ll fight each other over what’s wrong with you & fight you over any efforts you make to love yourself. We’re all supposed to vanish (see 95% of future fiction), and leave them to a world where they can compete to be their own heroes, while we stay mythical villains to be destroyed on sight. Staying alive, staying visible, that’s all it takes to be radical in a world that would rather erase you than acknowledge your humanity.  
- karnythia

I want to take naked photos. I haven't because my skin isn't smooth enough, my body isn't tight enough, my lighting isn't clear enough, my background isn't pretty enough. I'm not good enough. Really, that's what it boils down to, isn't it?

But when I see bodies that look like mine, my world is changed. When I see rolls and curves and fat spilling over. When I see tits that sag and bellies that hang. When I see nipples that hide and mons that cover slits. When I see myself in others, I feel represented. I feel real.

When I look at pictures of myself, I'm surprised. I live in this body but don't always know what it looks like. I've spent so many years avoiding mirrors that it always comes as a minor shock. But I don't look at those photos with loathing or shame; just curiosity and interest. A fat girl, fully dressed, living life. No more, no less. And the more I take and see, the less unusual they become.

I want to take nude photos of myself in order to normalize my body. Not for others but for myself. I want to look at them over and over and over again until I see nothing surprising or shocking. Until I can look at them with a simple smile. Until I can see the beauty in them that I see in others. Not because it's perfect. Not because it's flawless. But because it's human. And because it's mine.

15 comments:

  1. You are fucking beautiful naked. Any thoughts you have about not being sexy or desirable are just figments of your imagination. If we lived closer I would love to take pictures of you, nude or clothed. And if you do take naked pics of yourself I would dearly love to see them. You are one sexy girl <3

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    1. You know how much I appreciate this. And you.

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  2. I`ve been reading your blog for a couple of years now. The things you went through are unimaginable for me. I`m just a girl that`s been teased or discussed for being fat.And that affected me in so many ways, because it conflicted with a strong instinct that always told me I`m perfect the way I am. Like you said, because I`m human. Because I`m here. Words cannot express how much your story means to me, and I cannot imagine how much it helped others. This comment was meant to give a simple "Thank you!". But I really want you to know it`s from the bottom of my heart.Don`t stop sharing, please!

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    1. Oh god, you just made me cry!! This means the absolute world to me. And when I question this blog and when I consider walking away, I'll remember this. Thank you. So much. <3 <3 <3

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  3. DO.IT.NOW. (((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))

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  4. You have a great idea....Taking the photos and then really looking at them and seeing the beauty of the curves and your smile or your hair......it's a beautiful thing....Hope you do it.

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  5. if you do it, there is a company called I Shot Myself who will pay for your pictures - they are an amazing feminist porn site out of Australia. You are so amazing, Heidi.

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    1. OH MY GOD!!!! I've never seen that site before; it's AWESOME! Thank you so much for the recommendation! That would be so awesome and fun! I'm absolutely going to do it. And thank you for thinking I'm amazing - it made me all blushy! <3

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    2. I really didn't say 'amazing' enough, did I!

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  6. As someone who has naked photos of herself, I feel you and applaud you and totally agree with you and support you. Just be careful while deciding whether to post them for public consumption. I'm not even talking about whether rude people will judge you, because rude people will judge everybody, but one of my photos on a random Tumblr page ruined a big business deal for me recently, even though my photos were from years ago, on a paid site, and not using my real name. You just never know what may happen in the future. I know this is a "DUHHHhhHHH!" comment that any parent would yell at their kid, but I just thought it was worth repeating, since it is affecting me right now. LOTS OF LOVE xoxoxoxo (purposefully anonymous, but you know who I am and may have read my story on LJ :P)

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    1. Oh shit! I'm so sorry this happened to you! God, that enrages me. I don't remember reading that story but my memory is horrific. If you'd email it to me, I'd like to give it a read...if you're comfortable with that, of course!

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  7. One of my FB friends linked to your blog and I am SO so glad I found it. I love your writing and I adore that you have labels such as "fuck shame" and "shitfuckery". I can't wait to read through your posts!

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    1. Awwww, thank you!! You've made me so happy! And, yes: FUCK SHAME! It's the motto I'm trying my damndest to live my life by. I don't always succeed but it's a pretty amazing goal to aim for!

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  8. You're really beautiful, and I admire that you're considering this. Let us know if you do it!

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    1. Awww, thank you so incredibly much! I'm really going to try to push myself to make this happen. <3

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