Sunday, December 11, 2011


I hope, I hope, I hope.

While I was in the psych ward, it occurred to me that I've been in therapy for over five years and have yet to deal with my past. It's always been getting through the present. I never dealt with my childhood abuses, my shitty relationships with men, my dad's suicide, my boyfriend's suicide, my mom's death, my eating disorders, my lifelong self loathing... It's just about surviving the now instead of dealing with the shit that's causing my fucked up decisions and self hatred in the first place. And I want that to change. It's time.

But how does one do that? How does one fix their broken parts? I just don't know if therapy is enough. But it's all I have so I might as well get as much out of it as possible. I bought The Feeling Good Handbook awhile back because it was recommended to me by numerous therapists who suggested cognitive behavior therapy to help me.

I'm 33. It's time to create a life I want. A life I can be proud of. It's time I become a person I can be proud of. Someone emotionally/physically healthy and functioning. Someone I can love.  And, maybe if I start, I can even learn to love myself along the way.


  1. I had an insane, abusive childhood--incest, violence and neglect/abandonment--with an alcoholic father and a very mentally ill mom.

    I married an abusive asshole when I was 29 and divorced him four years later. I co-parent his daughter, still.

    I have severe depression with suicidal ideation, PTSD, three different anxiety disorders and host of health problems, including PCOS, endometriosis, fibromylagia, sleep apnea etc.

    and I'm hella fat--around 350lbs.

    I feel better now, at 37, than ever, ever, ever. I've had a truly amazing therapist for the last 5 years and I have a drug regime that works fairly well--including a drug called Mirapex, a dopamine agonist thats been miraculous, look it up!

    when I realized my husband was abusing me and his daughter, I also realized that I was still really broken, despite all the progress I'd made.

    I found my therapist and really committed to doing the work with her. I did it even when I was bored, angry with her and/or myself, despairing, hopeless and convinced I was done. I committed to being relentlessly honest with her and myself and to tell her the things I never wanted to tell anyone.

    it has been agonizing at times. it's been a rough fucking 5 years.

    but, I have an awesome, mutually loving relationship that works pretty well and has stood the test of my crazy, a career I love, lots of friends and a great relationship with my stepdaughter. I'm still crazy but so much better. I never want to die anymore. and I'm cracking open my self-loathing and taking real steps of love myself.

    I believe in you. I believe you can succeed at this. I tell you that from a being in a very similar place when I was 33.

    Lots of love.


  2. You are really young even though you have lived through so much in that lifetime. I think you are on a great path to getting what you want out of life. Go for it!

  3. here's hoping you approve my comment since they've not been appearing after i post them.

    i've been through the therapy thing it took 8 years of therapy, group and practice to get to where i am today and i'm enormously changed from the person i was and i love the way i am.

    not all therapists want to, or are good, at working with survivors of child sexual abuse. you need to find someone who can walk with you and let you be the total boss. it's a hugely difficult process to get through and you need to be able to guide the process yourself. it's part of taking back your life and control of it.

    here's a site that can help you in picking someone who might be a good fit. also, you might have to change therapists at some time because your needs change. don't stick with someone if they don't fit anymore.

    another good book is "dance with anger".

    i wish you much success in your new adventure. you've already displayed enormous self-care abilities by knowing when you need help. you're on your way. it really does get better.

  4. Kate and Naomi, thank you for giving me hope. xoxo