Wednesday, November 23, 2011

I'm still alive and kicking. I feel better. Ish. Very ish. The suicidal/self harm desires are still there but not to the same extreme. My therapist and I talked. She says I don't know how to experience pain without becoming suicidal and she's absolutely right. All the beds in their psych ward are taken. But if it gets as bad as it was the last few days, I'll just go to the miserable as that promises to be.

I just...I didn't think grief would feel like this. I didn't think it would hurt so much. I thought grief is what I'd been feeling the last couple of years and I'd feel mostly relief when she finally let go. I didn't expect this crippling pain.  I didn't expect this depression spiral to go so deep.  I didn't expect this. I guess you never can.

Thank you.  For your love.  Your support.  Everything.


  1. The spiral goes deep but it does go up eventually. Good for you for finding ways to get what you need.

  2. Loss is a very visceral experience. And it drags all of our baggage to the surface. And now the holidays.
    It seems like you've got a lot of friends, and a very good system of clinicians to help you? I hope you feel able to lean on these folks to help you through this time.
    You are loved, and you are worthy of that love.

  3. The grief you are feeling is so normal. Part of it will be because you didn't see her at the very you don't have a funeral to put it into perspective. I lost my mother over 19 years ago and I still think of something I want to tell her or show's normal. It does get easier so you don't cry every day but you will still feel the emotion. Did you read the book I sent you a few weeks ago? It's about my mother and grandmother....

  4. I am so sorry for your loss......hang in there and take care of yourself. Love you, Heidi!! (((((HUGS)))))

  5. Just catching up over here. Keep taking care of you. Keep checking in. <3 and *BIG HUGS*