I'm still alive and kicking. I feel better. Ish. Very ish. The suicidal/self harm desires are still there but not to the same extreme. My therapist and I talked. She says I don't know how to experience pain without becoming suicidal and she's absolutely right. All the beds in their psych ward are taken. But if it gets as bad as it was the last few days, I'll just go to the ER...as miserable as that promises to be.
I just...I didn't think grief would feel like this. I didn't think it would hurt so much. I thought grief is what I'd been feeling the last couple of years and I'd feel mostly relief when she finally let go. I didn't expect this crippling pain. I didn't expect this depression spiral to go so deep. I didn't expect this. I guess you never can.
Thank you. For your love. Your support. Everything.