Monday, November 21, 2011


Saturday night it hit me.

My mom is dead.

I spent most of a two hour drive home crying and screaming at the top of my lungs. I felt so empty and alone. It really was a bad night and I have no idea what triggered the realization but it hit and it hit hard. I've been in bed for two days, crying. I don't know how to handle this. Is this grief or depression? I don't know what's normal.

The flip-flopping between emotions is so exhausting.

I'm trying so hard. But failing so badly. Please don't hate me for being weak.


  1. Dear Heidi,

    I don't know if it's depression but I'm sure it's grief. It comes in waves sometimes.

    Your support network of friends and others will help you through it and help to keep you from sinking under it.

    Know that you are loved by friends that you know and many that you don't know personally.

    I am holding you in the Light.


  2. There's something about being alone in my car that makes me break down about my dad's death as well. I don't know what it is.

    No one hates you for being weak! And never will But please remember that help is available to you if you need it. Don't hesitate to pick up that phone and get it.

  3. first - my condolences, heidi. i just found out about your mom passing - i wish you love and peace during this time.

    second - you are NOT weak. facing your emotions is probably the hardest thing to do and allowing them to just "be" takes strength and courage. you have both. never question that, my friend.

  4. It's grief. You are not weak, you are human. I can't imagine losing my mom, and I'm so sorry for your loss.

  5. It's grief. That's why it's so hard. When we get used to depression, we forget how exhausting real emotions are...

    And you're not failing. Crying and screaming and feeling awful is the good, healthy, normal thing to do. And so is the flip-flopping. You're not dead, you're still alive, and it's hard to deal with. But I haven't seen you write or describe anything that would suggest you're doing anything truly worrying to deal with this.

    You're doing okay. Trust me.

  6. I lost my mom seven years ago. I held her hand as she died then ran outside and cried for hours. For about four days I was completely numb.. even at her viewing and funeral I barely cried. Then one day I was watching TV and one of her favorite commercials came on and I just lost it... I spiraled into a depression that lasted for about a week.. I almost had to be hospitalized because I didn't eat anything (save a handful of crackers practically force-fed to me by my best friend) and didn't move from my bed except to go to the bathroom. Everyone grieves differently.. this is normal. But please Heidi, don't isolate yourself. Reach out and make sure someone is taking care of you.. don't mistake needing help for weakness. You are allowed to fall apart.

    Sending you hugs from Michigan,

  7. You aren't weak, honey, you're grieving. This is how it goes, unfortunately. Similar situation happened to me when my grandfather died, I was really sad when he did, obviously, but is wasn't until about a week and a half later that at one point it just really hit me what it meant for him to be dead. That's when I lost it and spent the day in bed crying.

    This stuff is hard, it's OK to be really sad and have good days and really really bad days. It won't really go away but it will get so much better. Be kind to yourself, lady.

  8. Heidi, you're allowed to grieve in whatever way you choose to.

    If you want to stay in bed for a week, then do it. If you want to punch a bag until you're exhausted, then do it. The grieving process is not something logical or orderly.

    Your mama just passed away, cut yourself some slack. ::::HUGS:::

    The only caveat to this, is while self-harm may feel normal to you, I don't believe it to be grief. I would think it is more depression related and needs to be treated asap. And there's no shame in that.

  9. It's not weak. Five years later I still get this about my dad. It's grief and it's hard. Don't make yourself feel guilty, there is nothing to feel guilty about. Love to you. x

  10. For me, my mother's death didn't hit me on the day of the funeral - until then part of me still believed it could all be some kind of mistake. (in my defence, I was eleven years old.)

    I figure that kind of emotion is better let out than kept inside. Grief is normal, it happens to everyone, and it takes a long while to get through. Go easy on yourself and don't worry about being normal - now is a good time to be mad.

  11. How is grieving for your mother "weak?" That's not weak, that's human. And normal. I mean, it happened less than what, two weeks ago? Grief takes time. And showing your feelings is not weak. (I'm telling myself that, too, sister.)

    You have been through so much, and you are one of the most honest writers I have ever read, and you are beautiful inside and out. Cut yourself some slack and feel what you need to feel.

  12. Heidi -
    Grief is a wicked thing. It will hit you at moments you don't expect. My mother died suddenly 7 years ago. Every day on my way home from for the next YEAR I just sobbed all the way home. Immediately after a parent dies you understand the reality of it, but it takes much more time to deal with it in the abstract -- My Mother Is Dead. The idea of it is just horrific. No matter how old you get to be, you want your mother there. I remember, when I was about 10, coming out to the living room at night and finding my mother sobbing. I asked what was wrong and she said, "I'm crying for my mother." Her mother had died before I was born. Nothing you go through is not going to be normal -- there is no normal.

    I think, with your history of depression, you'll need to keep a watch on how you're doing. I've also had issues with depression. So I just wanted to give you some words of support. You HAVE to get out of bed. You have to make your life be more than what's inside your head. The best advice I can give to you right now is -- FIGHT INERTIA. Make it your slogan. I guarantee you that every single time you make yourself do something you don't want to do, you'll be glad afterward. If you stay in bed and don't deal with the world, you are setting yourself up for disaster. Logically, you can't want that. Find a friend who has lost her mother too. You have to communicate how you feel. None of it will be ridiculous or something that you shouldn't be feeling.

    Please take care of yourself.


  13. We're praying for you and sending you hugs and love from way too far away. Please don't hesitate to email or call or text or whatever if you need something. <3

    (And you're NOT weak but I probably can't prove that to you in a brief blog comment so I'm just going to insist you believe it.)

  14. I was surprised to read the last line of this post. Instead of thinking that you're weak, I was thinking that losing your mom must be incredibly hard and allowing yourself to even feel that grief is brave.

  15. I could never hate you!! Grief is a tricky beast - some days it lies low and some days you can never run fast enough to escape it. Hang in there. Just let yourself feel even though it hurts, and remember that its OK to be weak.

  16. Weak is just about the last word I would use to describe you!

    From what I understand, this could definitely be a "normal" (I use the quotes only because I hate the word normal... it makes it seem like there is only one acceptable way to be. I guess I mean more, not uncommon) reaction to grief. Sometimes, it just comes on you out of nowhere. It happened to me a couple of times when my grandmother died. I can remember riding the bus and listening to some random Josh Groban song (it was like I was in a bad movie or something!)... I didn't even know the song, it just came on the radio and bam... thinking about her and crying and crying. Grief and loss... sometimes I think they are the hardest things in the world to deal with. They change their shape all the time and sneak up on us when we least expect them. And they never seem to feel the same way twice!

    If you feel like things are getting bad or that you might be a danger to yourself, please call for help. But don't think yourself weak or bad or wrong (or anything negative) for having feelings, even strong feelings. You are allowed to feel your feelings. It only means that you are human. Not weak. Not broken. Not flawed.

    I send you many hugs, if they are wanted, and all my good wishes. I hope that the new day brings you as much peace and joy as you can handle.

  17. First of all I am very sorry about your mom. Secondly I would call your reaction completely normal - and you are not weak because you cried!

  18. When my husband died, I stared out of a window for a year. I made lists to survive. Take a shower, eat breakfast, brush teeth, and other every day things to do were on the list. If it wasn't on the list, I didn't remember to do it. There is no "normal" for grieving. Everyone handles it differently.

    It's not weak to cry. It's not weak to break down. "Weak" is refusing to feel out of a fear of appearing vulnerable. You've had a couple of earth-shattering years. Cry, ffs.

  19. That's normal grief, though everyone experiences it differently. When my mom died, I was surprisingly fine much of the time. But then, it would just hit me like a ton of bricks who I'd lost, and I'd be inconsolable. There was numbness, okayness, and bouts of crying for months. But you know yourself better than I do, and if you feel you're in any danger, definitely do something about it. It's a rough process, but I know you'll get through it. <3

  20. Fuck that noise, you arent weak. You are among the strongest people I know and you are going to get through this. Its probably both grief and depression and thats a bad combination to have happen to you. Im always around if you need me...

  21. Dear Heidi,

    Grief can trigger the onset of a depressive episode. I think that continuing to care for yourself as well as you can, in spite of the sadness and pain, might help you prevent yourself from slipping from grief to depression.

    Easier said than done, I know. The pain has to be felt, and that's awful and scary and sad and lonely. But please, please do try to take care of you through the pain. Which might include asking friends to help you take care of you.

    Words are clumsy, but for what it's worth, I'm so very sorry that you have to go through this. You're in my thoughts.

  22. i know you will be ok. get stoned. keep breathing. sending you love from the otherside of the world.

  23. It's okay Heidi. It is most definitely not weakness.

    It's grief, this is how it affects many people. Sometimes it recedes and sometimes it washes you away. Let it. Cry and scream when you need to. You have every right. Every right. If you don't let yourself feel it this actually makes you weak over time. Because unacknowledged, unfelt emotions never go away. They just stay around, buried in your subconscious, where they fester and grow and eventually, undermine you.

    It's right and good and healthy to feel them when they come up, even though it hurts, because this way, you release them.

    I'm so sorry for your loss.

  24. "I don't know how to handle this. Is this grief or depression? I don't know what's normal. "

    I'm still dealing with this myself. My intolerance for pain is going crazy right now. I am so sorry to hear that you're going through similar things. <333

  25. That's normal. Sweetie, don't worry for your mental healt. If it help you, try to keep her energy alive doing the same thing your Mom do to make feel happy the people around her, even if are things you never though to do. Don't waste your and your Mom energy thinking unreal stuff. sorry for my awful english