I realized something: this is the first time since I was 6 that death doesn't seem like a good idea.
Suicide doesn't seem like a viable option. Do you know how weird that is?! I've only thought about killing myself a couple of times in the last week, when the emotions about my mom got overwhelming. Only twice! And both times it was an errant thought that flitted into my head, I considered it, decided it was completely irrational, and it went away. The same happened the two times I thought about self injury. So bizarre. Thoughts of cutting and suicide used to be my default existence. I couldn't make them go away no matter how happy or logical I was or how hard I tried. At my happiest I still considered killing myself numerous times a day. I guess this meds cocktail is working well. It's taken many years and many different pills but, it seems, they're finally found the right ones.
My therapist says it isn't only the pills. That it's me too. That I've made changes and taken risks to start creating a life that's good for me. I don't know that I can see that but I'm appreciative...of whatever the hell is keeping this sanity around.
Though I'm not thinking of offing myself, I'm having physical issues due to stress/freaking the fuck out. Constant headaches, wretched(er) insomnia, and digestive issues are at the top of the list. Ugh.
I know it's not true but...when my mama dies I'll be alone. Officially alone. No family. No safety net. I felt like I had a safety net even when she didn't have one to offer me. I haven't had anywhere to fall for years but I still pretended it was there.
In other I'm-trying-to-distract-myself-news:
The oddest book I've ever read is now officially: Love in the Time of Dinosaurs by Kirsten Alene.
"DINOSAURS! LOVE! WAR! MONASTIC LIVING! Three days after his partner is bitten in half by a brachiosaur, a nameless monk meets the love of his life. Her name is Petunia. She is a dinosaur. But a twenty-year war between their species is about to come to a head, and only one will survive. To be together, the monk and the dinosaur must fight their way through hordes of pterodactyl samurai, anti-aircraft stegosaurs, gigantic kamikaze moths, and machine gun-wielding tyrannosaurs. Love in the Time of Dinosaurs is a surreal war tale of forbidden love, betrayal, and magic kung-fu. Forget Jurassic Park, this is the greatest dinosaur story ever told."
I will see Petunia. I will climb up onto her smooth dinosaur back and hold her closely with all of my remaining limbs.