Thursday, August 25, 2011

I realized something: this is the first time since I was 6 that death doesn't seem like a good idea.

Suicide doesn't seem like a viable option. Do you know how weird that is?! I've only thought about killing myself a couple of times in the last week, when the emotions about my mom got overwhelming. Only twice! And both times it was an errant thought that flitted into my head, I considered it, decided it was completely irrational, and it went away. The same happened the two times I thought about self injury. So bizarre. Thoughts of cutting and suicide used to be my default existence. I couldn't make them go away no matter how happy or logical I was or how hard I tried. At my happiest I still considered killing myself numerous times a day. I guess this meds cocktail is working well. It's taken many years and many different pills but, it seems, they're finally found the right ones.

My therapist says it isn't only the pills. That it's me too. That I've made changes and taken risks to start creating a life that's good for me. I don't know that I can see that but I'm appreciative...of whatever the hell is keeping this sanity around.

Though I'm not thinking of offing myself, I'm having physical issues due to stress/freaking the fuck out. Constant headaches, wretched(er) insomnia, and digestive issues are at the top of the list. Ugh.

I know it's not true but...when my mama dies I'll be alone. Officially alone. No family. No safety net. I felt like I had a safety net even when she didn't have one to offer me. I haven't had anywhere to fall for years but I still pretended it was there.

In other I'm-trying-to-distract-myself-news:

The oddest book I've ever read is now officially: Love in the Time of Dinosaurs by Kirsten Alene.

"DINOSAURS! LOVE! WAR! MONASTIC LIVING! Three days after his partner is bitten in half by a brachiosaur, a nameless monk meets the love of his life. Her name is Petunia. She is a dinosaur. But a twenty-year war between their species is about to come to a head, and only one will survive. To be together, the monk and the dinosaur must fight their way through hordes of pterodactyl samurai, anti-aircraft stegosaurs, gigantic kamikaze moths, and machine gun-wielding tyrannosaurs. Love in the Time of Dinosaurs is a surreal war tale of forbidden love, betrayal, and magic kung-fu. Forget Jurassic Park, this is the greatest dinosaur story ever told."

I will see Petunia. I will climb up onto her smooth dinosaur back and hold her closely with all of my remaining limbs.


  1. First, I'm glad you are feeling much less suicidal!! That's a step in the RIGHT direction.

    Secondly, that book omg. ahahahahhahhahahaahhaahhahahhaahaha I have to read it! You should do an official book review for the blog.

  2. Hi Heidi,

    I used to be really reluctant (despite my crushing depression!) to take medicine to help treat it. I felt that however immobilized I was in my natural state, at least it was 'me' and not some false pharmaceutical improvement.

    But this is what I've since realized: Pills only do some of the work. They help your brain repair the neural pathways that just don't want to play nice! In turn, you must do the cognitive work necessary to strengthen them: positive experiences and habits that help lay down the trestle for healthier trains of thought! So even if you can't "see it", never doubt that your pills have benefited from your extensive footwork and life changes as much as you benefit from the pills...

    (This goes for all of us who benefit from such medicine.)

    I am glad you will get to go see your mom. Does it make you fel closer to her if you pause and think about how she makes up a part of you, as you are right now, however far away you may feel? This notion comforts me when I think of my nan, who is in a nursing home farther away than I get to visit very often...

    Well-wishes and good thoughts going out your way!

  3. OK, that made me smile and cry a little bit, remembering when I stopped wanting to die. You ROCK, lady. It is totally not just the pills. Reaching the point where that killyourselfkillyourselfkillyourself drone is no longer thrumming away in the back of your head is awesome and I'm not sure I even believe it can be done with pills alone, not when you've been depressed for so long. Changing thought patterns like that takes a lot of work. You did good.

  4. I bet if you went back and read blogs from a year or even two years ago, you could see how far you have progressed to where you are now. You worked it, girl. The meds have helped but YOU DID IT. I send you a package this week so it would arrive in time for your visit with your mother.

  5. I'm really glad to hear that suicide isn't an option for you anymore.