Wednesday, August 17, 2011

I don't know how to process this

I keep trying to write this post and start sobbing uncontrollably every fucking time. I just...I don't know how to handle this.

She was bleeding internally so they took her to the hospital to find out why. They ran MRIs and CAT scans and cut her open. The cancer has spread. Everywhere. All of her organs. There's nothing they can do.

They gave her three months. At most.

Mama: Please don't cry, baby.
Me: I'm trying not to but I can't help it. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I left you.
Mama: This isn't your fault, baby. It wouldn't have changed anything. We knew this was coming.
Me: I just thought there'd be more time. I didn't have enough time to make you proud of me. I'm sorry Mommy. I failed you. I'm so sorry I left you.
Mama: I am proud of you. I always have been. You had to leave, you know that. And you need to live your life for you, baby, not for anyone else. For the first time, live your life for you, not for me.

I can't stop crying. It just hurts so bad to feel like I've failed her. And I just want to be with her so badly. I just wanted to make her happy, you know? My whole life that's all I ever wanted. I thought if I tried hard enough, maybe I could.

If I tried hard enough, I could save her. From my dad, from herself, from the fucking darkness and pain inside of her. And I never did. Logically, I knew I couldn't take it away. I knew I couldn't fix her depression and rage and desire to die. I remember being 8 years old and her telling me I was the only reason she didn't kill herself. I fucking carried that every day after. I couldn't fucking fix it. And I know I can't fix this either. And I know I had no fucking choice but to leave. But god damn it, I thought I'd have more time. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck I thought there'd be more time. She's going to die alone and it's my fault. And I know, logically, I had no choice. I didn't fucking want to move to Alabama, it was my only choice. But I still hate myself so much for it.

Logically logically logically. But, right now, fuck logically. Because this isn't about logic.

I just want my mommy.


  1. I am so sorry to hear this :(

    Thinking of you! xx

  2. I'm so so sorry. There are never the right words because...this just ain't right. And yes, logic here is unnecessary.

    I'm sending strength and peace for you.

    Please do take the words your mom said, though.
    She *is* proud of you. You *have* done wonderful things. And you will continue to do them, and she'll know.

  3. Oh, Heidi, I'm so sorry. I've never commented before but I've read your blog and been so moved and impressed and inspired by you. You are a fantastic lady, and your mama has good reason to be proud.

    There's nothing I can say to make you feel better, but I just needed to reach out somehow. So much pain, I know. But you can do it. You have, you are, and you will.

    Love and prayers, if you want.

  4. Heidi, I'm so sorry about your mom.

    I believe your mom when she says she's proud of you. Look at all you've done since you moved. You're creating a beautiful life for yourself and I'm sure she is over the moon for you and all you've accomplished. I'm not a parent, but I can imagine that one of the sweetest moments of parenthood is knowing that your offspring have become independent and will continue on after you, living joyfully and touching lives in positive ways.

    Your mama isn't going to die alone. She is surrounded by your love.

    And you are surrounded by our love.

    Love and light to you and your mother. Hugs.

  5. Not a time for logic, honey. Time to feel your feelings, and they are valid, whatever they are. I'm sending you love and support as comfort as hard as I can. *hugs*


  6. Heidi I am so, so sorry. Nobody should have to be with their mama. There's nothing sufficient to say at a time like this, but know you are loved, and that there are people with you in your grief.

    It's not fucking fair. :(

  7. I've never commented before either, but when I saw this I really felt for you.

    I'm so sorry about your mother, and hope that you feel better sooner rather than later.

  8. I'm sad to see you hurting so much. I wish you all the support and comfort you need. Bright Blessings, WeaverRose

  9. I'm also so sorry for you. Sending peace and love.

  10. De-lurking to say ur doin it right. Cry, and talk to your mom some more, and cry some more. It's so sad to say goodbye, but how lucky you and your mom are to be able to say goodbye, to have some time to process this together (to an extent). She sounds ready and at peace, 'for the first time, live your life for you, not for me.' You get the opportunity to say all the things to her that you've ever wanted, and she gets the same. Harder, yes, when it's over a long distance. Acknowledge that you've already begun grieving, perhaps the hospice she's going into have resources to help you process? Maybe they can hook you up with some resources to get out there to see her again?
    Just be kind to yourself, lean on your numerous and wonderful friends, and keep us posted if you're able.

  11. So sorry for you in this difficult time. You will have the strength to get through this.

  12. I'm sorry about your Mom. I'll be sending some good vibes your way.

  13. I have no words except to say I am sorry and my thoughts and well wishes are with you and your mother.