I keep trying to write this post and start sobbing uncontrollably every fucking time. I just...I don't know how to handle this.
She was bleeding internally so they took her to the hospital to find out why. They ran MRIs and CAT scans and cut her open. The cancer has spread. Everywhere. All of her organs. There's nothing they can do.
They gave her three months. At most.
Mama: Please don't cry, baby.
Me: I'm trying not to but I can't help it. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I left you.
Mama: This isn't your fault, baby. It wouldn't have changed anything. We knew this was coming.
Me: I just thought there'd be more time. I didn't have enough time to make you proud of me. I'm sorry Mommy. I failed you. I'm so sorry I left you.
Mama: I am proud of you. I always have been. You had to leave, you know that. And you need to live your life for you, baby, not for anyone else. For the first time, live your life for you, not for me.
I can't stop crying. It just hurts so bad to feel like I've failed her. And I just want to be with her so badly. I just wanted to make her happy, you know? My whole life that's all I ever wanted. I thought if I tried hard enough, maybe I could.
If I tried hard enough, I could save her. From my dad, from herself, from the fucking darkness and pain inside of her. And I never did. Logically, I knew I couldn't take it away. I knew I couldn't fix her depression and rage and desire to die. I remember being 8 years old and her telling me I was the only reason she didn't kill herself. I fucking carried that every day after. I couldn't fucking fix it. And I know I can't fix this either. And I know I had no fucking choice but to leave. But god damn it, I thought I'd have more time. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck I thought there'd be more time. She's going to die alone and it's my fault. And I know, logically, I had no choice. I didn't fucking want to move to Alabama, it just...it was my only choice. But I still hate myself so much for it.
Logically logically logically. But, right now, fuck logically. Because this isn't about logic.
I just want my mommy.