Sunday, August 21, 2011

The day I found out, Amanda shoved alcohol and food in my face and held me every single time I broke down sobbing. She wrapped her arms around me and told me it wasn't my fault and there was nothing I could have done to stop it. That I was a good daughter, a good person. The next day I was numb; completely worn out from crying as long and hard as I had the night before. And I've been fairly numb/in disbelief since. I can't say I mind. I know how hard it will be in the future so I'll take feeling nothing for as long as possible.

Between you amazing people and a local group here that's fundraising for me...I have enough to go back to Los Angeles and spend a week or so with my mommy. I need to figure out the train and car rental stuff but I'm aiming to leave around September 7th or so.

I'm downloading Murder, She Wrote and Perry Mason episodes for us to watch on my laptop. I'll bring her crossword puzzles and butterscotch squares from See's Candy. And at night I'll see my friends. And meet a few new ones I know only online. People I was too scared and anxious to meet before I left. The fear of meeting them isn't so strong now. And I suddenly want to connect with people so badly; being reminded so sharply about how fleeting it all is.

10 comments:

  1. I'm so happy you're able to spend some time with your mom.

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  2. Oh HELL I want to meet you, if you have the time. It would be awesome to do something with Jen/implicate from LJ if she's down.

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  3. I'm so glad you had Amanda there - she knew *exactly* what you needed.

    The internet is amazing for making connections but at times like these you need a friend to be there in person to do all the things she did.

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  4. You are in the grieving process. It takes time - sometimes years - to take it all in. But in the meantime, you will have photos and talks and laughs to share together. I'm so glad you can see her again.

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  5. I'm just catching up here and am so sorry to hear your news. I would love to send your mum a card or 3 from the Uk so let em know the address as soon as you know it. Glad you managed to get enough cash to get there - I would donate but bl**dy paypal is hating on me right now ...

    Have a truly amazing time with your mum - enjoy every moment and know we are all behind you!

    Em xx

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  6. If you can get there before September 7th, you might want to try to do that. The doctor gave my mom a year, but she only lasted two months. You have to see her in time--do not always trust a doctor's timetable. No offense, it's just my experience.

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  7. Sweet baby.

    Go see your mother. I hope it will be good and real. I hope you cry and cry and cry and feel the black, sticky grief fill every corner of your body. I hope you feel alive with the pain of it, so that you can feel alive when it dies down again. Real, human feelings are so much more exhausting than depression, but they are also good.

    I'm so glad you get to go.

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  8. just saw katie's post. obviously i'm down to hang out with both of you and spread hugs all around. we can get our love on with tasha too. ;) so much love, heidi!

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  9. Oh my gosh, I'm so glad you'll get to be with her, Heidi. Sending you and your mom so much love -- I'm crying reading your journal, and I wish I could just wrap my arms around both of you.

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