Friday, September 17, 2010

Last week I read (though I’m not sure when it was written) a really interesting piece on the similarities between food policing and slut shaming. But I didn’t bookmark it. Does anyone have that link? Thanks in advance!

(I'm in a terrible, vaguely depressed mood. Apologies.)

So my car’s fucked. My plans are fucked. I’m fucked. But I keep on keepin’ on. Because, seriously, what other choice do you have? I always think to myself, well, you could off yourself. But then I think, but what if the really cool stuff happens the next day!? Like zombies or time travel or something! I’d totally miss the good shit! And that’s just unacceptable.

Whatever, it could be worse. That’s, like, my motto of the year. Apparently it was extremely dangerous for me to be driving it so the fact that it didn’t explode before I took it in…high five! As I was walking out my car dude was all, “Hey Heidi! Your car’s ready!” “Gee, thanks Joe! I’ll see you in a year when I can afford to pick it up!” Then we fist bumped. Heh. I should be able to get it out soon. God willing.

My rental bugs but I do like three things about it! 1) The radio tells me the name of the songs and artists being played on the radio, 2) it tells me the temperature outside, and 3) it says, “X miles until E” so I know exactly how far away I am from being completely out of gas.

My psychiatrist’s office gave me another month of samples of my mood stabilizer. Huzzah! God, I’m so going to miss my doctors when I move. It took me so many years to find people who are skilled and respectful and caring and it sucks to have to give that up.

I saw my therapist.

“When you get severely overwhelmed, you shut down. It’s your way of surviving. And, from what I’ve witnessed, as your systems are shutting down you revert to unhealthy behaviors and old ways of thinking about yourself. As you shut down you slide back into guilt and self-loathing. And those do not help you in any way. It’s okay that this move is taking you longer than you expected. You’re going through decades worth of shit and you’re in pain and you’re not as healthy as you’d like to be. It’s okay that your departure date needs to be pushed back. And, you know what? Those people who can play through their pain? Forget about them. They’re not you so fuck them. Fuck them!”

I’m trying, man, I’m trying. I’m trying to not hate myself. I’m trying to not beat myself up. It’s not easy, honestly.

My Nyquil/Benedryl cocktail knocks me out for a good eight hours but I never feel especially rested afterwards. But I’m sleeping so, hey, I take what I can get.

The thrift store came and took away another pile of stuff.

Someone told me that they pray for things to work out for me and my mom. And then apologized if that offended me. Oh my god, total opposite! The idea that someone would take the time they spend talking to their higher power to think about/wish well to myself and my mom? That really means a lot to me. It flatters me. It makes me feel loved and cared for. It makes me feel looked after. It makes my heart feel so full.

I should clarify something. I have no problem with people who are religious. Like, none. Seriously! I love religion. I always have. I love the rituals and aesthetics. I love the community people find it in. Hell, I’m envious of the community people find it. I absolutely love religion and spirituality and belief systems. I think it’s beautiful. I don’t really tell anyone but I would love to get a degree in world religion. Because, in addition to being fascinated by them, they play such a huge part in shaping the world. So when I make snarky comments about Christianity? Dude. Please know that I think the idea of Christianity is wonderful and Jesus would have totally been my homeboy but, come on, you know a lot of douchebags use it as an excuse to be super mega douchebags. Douchebags: Making Jesus Look Bad Since Year 1. So, yeah. You won’t convert me or “save” me or whatever but know that I think your beliefs are awesome. It makes me happy that you’ve found something that makes you happy. And I’m all about everyone being happy, damn it!

Okay, I’m sorry, but this comment blew my mind…

If Jesus had lived in the South, he would still be alive today

I…what? Seriously? Um, yeah. Because Martin Luther King, Jr did so fucking well there.

A Middle Eastern guy in the South? Yeah, that always works out well.

6 comments:

  1. The slut-shaming/body policing post was from Feministe:

    http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2010/09/06/shameful-behaviour/

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  2. I feel exactly the same about religion as you!

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  3. http://feministe.us/blog/archives/2010/09/06/shameful-behaviour/
    <3

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  4. you belong in college....your mind is so far beyond most of us. You have a wonderful talent at expressing your thoughts and you have a unusual insight.
    Hope you get the car back soon and can get on your road to a new life. Good luck.

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  5. This one?

    "Again, I feel like this is a point that feminists would mull over–does a body, merely by being a body, signal anything? If my having big boobs tells you nothing about whether I’m a slut, why are you so sure it tells you anything about whether I’ve had too many donuts?"

    http://tinycatpants.wordpress.com/2010/09/04/whos-watching-the-women/

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