Monday, September 20, 2010

Ka-fucking-Boom

Oh man. Oh man, oh man, oh man. So, the bad has gotten worse. Things are…not good. The kind of not good that leaves one scrambling for realistic solutions. (Though the unrealistic solutions my friends and I have come up with are epically hilarious!) I describe it as: an atomic bomb of I-am-fucked detonating in my face.

The nursing home lied and it basically boiled down to handing over the money I was going to use for my car and move or my mom being kicked out. Yeah, not exactly a difficult decision. I am now hella dicked. I, very stupidly, based my entire schedule/move/life around taking them at their word. Bad idea! I’m just…stupid. And I believe people. When someone tells me X, I believe X. It just doesn’t occur to me that they’d be lying to me. And it kicks me in the face again and again. Stupid, stupid, stupid. It’s not even naiveté, it’s just plain dumb.

So now I can’t afford to get my car out. And I can’t afford to move but I also can’t afford the rent here. I’ve, essentially, become a fucking squatter.

Me: I’d just flee the state in the middle of the night except I can’t even get my fucking car to flee in! And have no money to pay for said fleeing.
Abby: I keep typing ideas and erasing them because they make no sense.
Abby: I’m down to ideas like, “enlist in the Army.”
Me: Ha! I’m at “commit suicide” or “fake committing suicide.” Though the latter wouldn’t actually solve my problems.
Abby: And your suicide would devastate everyone.
Me: Honestly, I wish I didn’t know that.

Reasons I Will Not Off Myself
• I’m going to be an Auntie.
• My friends would kill me.
• It would destroy my mom.
• Graceland and Dollywood.
• All the cities, states, and countries I haven’t visited yet.
• Fireworks and books and curry and rain and Sharpies.
• So much sushi to eat and sake to drink.
• Fat kitty bellies and air conditioning on hot days and the smell of fresh cement.
• I still have waaaaaay too many awesome people to meet.
• Cotton Candy Martinis with Tia.
• I’ve never seen snow! Or the Atlantic Ocean! Or fireflies! Or a shooting star!
• An entire rainbow of hair dye.
• The way it’s going to feel to finally get a fucking degree. Or five.
• I haven’t figured out a way to do it that wouldn’t inconvenience someone. And I hate being a bother.
• People have been way too kind to me for me to just bow out when shit gets tough.
• A few people seem to actually get something out of this blog. I have no idea why 99% of the time but, hey, who am I to argue? I mean, even if it’s just a mockery target and a sense of superiority at least I’m improving your day somehow!
• I haven’t saved the world yet.
• Because I’ll figure out a solution. I always have and always will. Even though it seems impossible…I’ll figure something out.

I’m not even crying at this point. I’m just shaking a lot and, occasionally, laughing hysterically. It’s possible that I’ve actually snapped! I like to think of it as, “coping.”

Speaking of crying, oh my god. I will never ever ever reach a point in my life in which seeing my mom cry doesn’t absolutely annihilate me.

I swear I’m trying to get the fuck out of Dodge. I’m trying to get my ass to Alabama and in a position where I can start to get my life in order and my shit together. I’m trying to get myself in a position to repay all the kindnesses that have been shown to me. I’m trying to do what I need to do but it’s as if the entire universe is conspiring against me. No no no, not really. I’m kidding, dude. Maybe just part of the universe. Los Angeles has its evil claws in me and refuses to let go! Let me go, LA! I promise to visit!

I’m taking my meds and working on massive sales posts. There’s not much else I can do right now as I have no access to a Way-Back Machine.

It’ll be okay. Things could always be worse. At least they didn’t make their demand after I’d spent the money on my car. My mom’s being well taken care of…even if the administration there are currently on my Least Favorites list. And my car didn’t break down while I was driving cross-country. I mean, really, I could be sleeping in a broken car in the middle of Bumblefuck, Mississippi with no clue as how to fix it or get the rest of the way. And needing to sell everything will force me to get rid of the vast majority of my stuff. So, hey, silver linings and learning experiences and whatnot.

1) Kill Seinfeld.
2) Kill Seinfeld then kill myself.
3) Kill Seinfeld, flee to Svenborgia, then kill myself.
70) You seduce Seinfeld.

11 comments:

  1. if anyone can donate $1 to heidi to help her move please do.

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  2. I work in health care dealing with insurance and I will send you an email, if I can help you with knowledge for your mom and the care facility I will.

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  3. What happened?! What did they lie to you about?

    I'm so sorry, Heidi!

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  4. How much would it cost to get there by bus? I mean, I would be willing to pitch in to help you..just leave....

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  5. What would it cost you to get the car back and get on the road? Would an alternative be to sell the car/otherwise get rid of it, and then fly to Alabama? What if people donated frequent flier miles to get you the one-way flight?

    It would mean you'd need to get rid of even more stuff, but if you could get it down to a few boxes to ship and a couple suitcases, you could be gone really fast.

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  6. How much to get the car out in good enough working order to get you to Alabama?

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  7. Hang in there, Heidi! I wish I could afford to send you some money but I have nothing. I love you. You'll make it through this. All my love to you!

    And what the fuck is up with that nursing home???

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  8. I'm sorry to hear that. I guess in future, always get stuff in writing? I am shocked that they fecked you over and they're a *care home*. Man, that's awful. As far as getting to Alabama goes, there's always Greyhound, although I appreciate that's going to cause problems of its own, such as having to seriously downsize all your stuff. I really don't know what to say, so I will stop babbling and just say, I'm so sorry and I'm thinking of you.

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  9. Ok, I am confused.....why are you financially responsible for your mother? Doesn't she qualify for any state aid? I guess I don't know enough about California healthcare (if there is any) I do wish you good luck in figuring this out.

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