Thursday, September 23, 2010

I’m writing this at Starbucks, which is weird. I don’t do well writing around other people. I always write my entries at home in Word documents and then just cut and paste when I go online. But not this time! So if it’s all weird and disjointed, you know why.

My landlord wants me out by the 1st. Technically, to get me out, he’d need to legally evict me which would take months. But I don’t want to do that to him. Everyone, even my therapist, is telling me to just cut and run at this point. To just fill my car with what I absolutely need and leave the rest. This has taken so long because I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to leave my mess for my landlord to clean up. I don’t want to be a douchebag to anyone but especially not to him. But I’m getting down to the wire. I’m out of time and out of options. I’ll get rid of everything I can, cram my necessities into my car, and just…go.

It’s hard because the pain is absolutely ridiculous. There are days when just sitting up makes me dry heave. And I have to go through everything. Everything. Everyone says to trash boxes without opening them but I can’t do that. My parents idea of packing was (and always has been) to just dump everything together. So I’m finding birth certificates mixed in with grocery store receipts from 1998. There is no order to anything. And, because of that, I have to dig and sort. Even if I don’t want to. And I’ve spent so long with people who keep every scrap of paper that I have no clue what is actually a necessity!

I can’t have a yard sale because where I live doesn’t afford me any space to do that. I think I just need to cut my losses, donate everything, and move on with my life. I was considering selling some stuff on Craig’s List but I don’t have power anymore so I can’t even prove that electronics work. Maybe a pawn shop? I don’t know. I have a couple of days to consider it.

It isn’t emotional attachment at this point. If I could stand outside with a bag of clothes, my laptop, and my cats and just set the entire place on fire, I would. I would watch it burn and feel nothing but relief.

I’ll feel like an asshole if I leave shit for my landlord to deal with. But, realistically, he’ll lose more money if I stay and am unable to pay rent. Calling in a couple of people to just haul everything away will probably end up being the least expensive option for him. And I will pay him back. I will pay him the money I owe him. Abby says I can always make amends when my life is settled. She says she knows I will because I’m a good person. I don’t know if I’m a good person or not but I do know that I will pay him every penny I owe him. Every fucking penny and more. No matter how long it takes.

At this point my timeline is as follows:

• Pack up what is absolutely essential. Deal the best I can with everything that remains. Try really hard to not have a nervous breakdown. Probably fail.

• Out of the house by the 1st.

• Stay with a friend while waiting for my check to come and work on dealing with all the other pre-move crap I have to deal with.

• Leave for Alabama by October 8th at the absolute latest.

• Meet/visit some awesome people along the way. Hopefully be invited to sleep on couches or just knock out in my car in order to avoid the cost of motel rooms.

• Arrive at my new home sometime during the week of the 11th.

• Collapse in an emotionally and physically drained heap and probably not move for a few days.

• Have numerous adventures and meet lots of new people and go back to school and eat grits for the first time and go on road trips to new places and realize that I really was capable of doing this after all.


  1. Please consider Freecycle as a way to get rid of things. That's what I'll be doing with what is left over after our garage sale. (Mostly my mum's stuff.) Post what you have. Someone can use it, and they will *come and get it.* Bonus feel-good points for not making your landlord deal with it.

    I know what you mean about the sorting everything. It's very hard. I'm like that too. I've been fortunate to have family to help - but sometimes it's much, much easier for me to work if there is another person with me who is non-invested. Luckily, I have a therapy team to help me deal with my issues (I'm in Canada, btw).

    I actually just got back from a session wherein we are clearing a storage locker of my mum's things (she has dementia). We are nearly finished. When that is done, I need to tackle my own mess so I can finally fucking get on with life.

    Can you get some music playing so you have a little bit of distraction while you work? This song helps me:

    Does it help you to know that your blogging has inspired me to get moving on my own hoarding issues? Well, you and A&E. It's on, baby. It's finally happening for me. It's hard as hell but it really does feel like peeling off a particularly nasty smelly festering scab - painful but ultimately the best thing. Scar tissue and raw places are exposed to light and air and ...holy shit, some of them actually start to heal a little bit.

    But we have to do this right, otherwise we just start to scab over with the same old problems. I think the guilt of just cutting loose will eat at you, just like it would at me.

    You will be okay. So will I.

    Big old hug,


  2. i thought you weren't able to pay to get your car out...did you have a little reversal of luck?

  3. did you figure out a way to get your car back and take care of your mom, then?

  4. I wish you the best with your move. I cannot imagine how stressed you are feeling right now. But it really sounds like the move will be good for you.

  5. Craigslist is an idea! Go through all the shit and get what you MUST have, then post on Craigslist and tell people you have free shit to give away. I am guessing people will show up in droves and take damn near anything. If its like Freecycle here in Indiana you could be giving away shit in a box and have fuckers lining up. I bet you could get damn near to the bare walls and leave very little for the landlord to have to deal with that way, just be safe and have someone with you when people come to get stuff.

  6. Heidi, I live in Houston. Let me know if you need a couch to crash on when you're coming through. If you do, email me, not at the address that's linked to this comment (I don't check it) but use my nickname as the lead in to a yahoo address.

  7. I'm sure that your landlord is planning on repainting and cleaning the place anyway. I know you don't want him to think badly of you but for have to just take care of yourself. I am sure you will try to repay him when you are able...and I bet he knows that too. Sell what you can, and leave....if even your therapist is saying that you need to just it. If you have your own legal documents...that is all you need.

  8. Why don't you ask for help?

    Someone like me, with the strength to go through boxes and an organizational streak, could blow through the piles of crap in a day.

    But you never ask for help.

  9. don't bog yourself down searching through documents. i know you're sick about missing something, but nearly everything that's important is reproducible. i lost my birth certificate and social security card and got both of them from the government with relatively little hassle.