Thursday, September 9, 2010

I love my mom. I love her more than anything. Those of you who have read me long enough to be privy to my childhood/past probably don’t always (if ever) understand why. But I do. I managed to completely forget that she’s mentally ill. She’s hella mentally ill. But our relationship has been so strong and sane since my dad’s death that I, somehow, deluded myself into believing it was magically healed by my father no longer being around to agitate and enrage her.

Yeah…it wasn’t.

And I feel like the shittiest kid ever but I couldn’t handle it so I just told her I loved her, made up an excuse, and bailed. I put up with so much parental shit for decades and I just can’t fucking deal with it anymore. On her continuum of crazy it was pretty low but it was like cracking a door that I do not want to see opened.

Speaking of the crazy: I paid cash to get a month’s worth of my main antidepressant. If I pay cash for that and my Ambien and can finagle more of my mood stabilizer from my psychiatrist’s office I should be okay. Not having my secondary antidepressant will probably have some negative effect on my mood as well as completely annihilate my ability to orgasm but, dude, survival seems very possible. I’m not sure how long I can hack that financially but it’ll get me through the next month, at least. Thank god for generics.

I’m out of Ambien and over a week out from my refill date. I guess I doubled up more often than I realized. I cannot sleep without them. I totally tried to scam the pharmacy into giving me an early fill. Desperation ain’t a pretty thing, my friends. Also, I failed.

Me: Oh, you never told me what “roll tide” means.
Tia: UA (University of Alabama) is the Crimson Tide. So when we say “roll tide” it’s a cheer for Alabama.
Me: So, I’m guessing if I made menstruation jokes I’d be shot?
Tia: That’s blasphemous, dude.

Oh, Alabama…you are going to kill me!!

And, I’m so not joking, I totally started my period three minutes after that conversation. Oh my god, my periods have been so much saner since the D&C. There’s this really primal part of me that enjoys the bleeding. Am I alone in that? I mean, don’t get me wrong, the immobilizing cramps and messiness of the whole thing is horrible and if I could elect to never have it again, I would. But part of me likes it.

PS Because, apparently, the rare times I mention food I don’t mention eating what I’m supposed to be eating… This past week I’ve eaten grilled tofu and chicken and spinach and beans and rice and red skinned potatoes and zucchini and tomatoes and wasabi almonds and yogurt with strawberries and on and on and on. And it was fabulous. Jesus, people.


  1. I can relate having a parent like that. It's nice to know someone can understand. We just expect them to have their act together because they are our parents. Sometimes we gotta realize that we aren't responsible for their actions, just our own. Sending hugs!!!!!!!!!

  2. I know you're totally kidding with the Southern stuff, so no hate! One thing that I find amusing (and I honestly mean it's amusing, as in cute and endearing) is the vague picture people have of the South as one big, like, blob. It is soooo regional here. Food varies wildly from state to state and even area to area (Northern and Southern Georgia, eastern and western NC, etc!), as do accents, music, vernacular, etc. Many small towns are still heavily influenced by their agrarian roots (one town has a cotton fest, another an okra fest, etc.), and West Virginia, Northern Virginia, and Western NC/Tennessee are their own world (the Appalachians!). What's considered "urban" varies wildly; I live in Atlanta, for instance, which is much more spread out than, say, NYC. We have beaches and screwed-up history and massive Civil War cemeteries and Blue Laws and cheap cigarettes; we have Louisiana and Florida, which are pretty much worlds unto themselves. I mean, shit: there are at least five major types of BBQ in the South.
    My point is, there's a LOT to see. You may already know this, but I think visitors to the South can sort of view it as one generic bowl of grits, when there's a lot more going on! Check it all out.