Tuesday, August 10, 2010


Just a few more weeks until the ginormous move. Yikes.

Even though my plan is to go back to school – no question – I’m really worried I’m just not smart enough. And I want to be smart enough, you know? Because I loved school. Hell, I was good at it. And I’m not good at much. I mean, I’m a total klutz, my Spanish is terrible, I forget names, I don’t know anything about wine, I can’t play any instruments, I laugh at really inappropriate things, I don’t understand football, I’m really shy and socially awkward, I wear pants with holes in them, I can’t cook, I have no upper body strength, I don’t watch the news or read the paper, and I can never tell when someone’s flirting with me. But school? I was good at school.

And, really, I’m not good at school because I’m smart. Because I really don’t view myself as such. I’m good at school because I love it and happened to have found a way of studying that works well for me. That’s all.

I guess I’m worried because it’s been so many years and I feel as if my brain has turned to mush. But all I can do is try my best and see what happens. And repeatedly remind myself that getting less than an A doesn’t make me a bad person or a failure. The plan is to start at the local community college in January and then go from there. It’ll be fine. It’ll be fine. It’ll be fine.

I got into this…”discussion” with a douchebag. He was a douchebag before this discussion though. And he informed that I was an absolute idiot for going back to school. He actually laughed at me. Because I plan to get an education. Seriously. Because he got a BA and can’t find a job so, therefore, I’m a fucking moron for wanting to return to school.

You spent six years doing something you absolutely hated in order to get a piece of paper that never guaranteed you a damn thing. And I’m going to spend several years doing something I love and enjoy and have wanted my whole life in order to get (probably several) pieces of paper that I know don’t guarantee me a damn thing. And I’m the idiot? Seriously?

I’m not going to school because, hopefully, I’ll get something awesome when I’m finished miserably surviving it. I’m going to school because I feel empty without it. Because I want it more than anything. Because I took fucking Stellar Astronomy for fun. Because I love math classes. Because I enjoy writing research papers. Because the idea of never being able to nearly brings me to tears. Because it’s the only part of my life that has ever felt right to me.

So, yeah, I’m going back to school. Maybe I’ll fail, maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll hate it, maybe I won’t. But I’m going. Because I’d never get over it if I didn’t.


  1. I have been avoiding getting back into college classes because I don't think I could mentally handle having a real job with whatever degree I may get. Recently though my therapist said, "You should try to get into some classes online or something." I told her why I don't, and she said, "You don't need to think about that, just look at it as a way to grow as a person and not let your mind go to waste."

    After that I enrolled in some online classes with a not-so-elite online university, but since she gave me permission to pursue what I wanted without the pressure of my whole future weighing on it, it was less worrying.

    Anyway... DO IT!

  2. I'm proud of you for going back to school. I'm a 40 year old single mom just now finishing my nursing degree, and it was fucking HARD, but you know what? It's just going to make it that much more SWEET when I walk across that stage and get my diploma.

    Fuck yeah girl, get it done. YOU CAN DO IT.

  3. You have described, to a T, some of the issues that are keeping me from going to grad school. I am terrified that I am not smart enough, won't get my recommendation letters, won't even get accepted.

    Fuck that. We are more literate than 2/3 of the internet which means we have amazing skills. We are valuable. We are going to be fine.

  4. I find it a good rule of thumb not too talk to douchebags. You just end up wet and stinky. And not in the good way

  5. school is *never* a waste of time or effort. *NEVER*! i went back to school (university) when a month before i turned 44. i graduated with my b.a. the spring i turned 48. i entered graduate school that fall. i'll be taking a year off my grad studies, but i will definitely get my master's degree.

    you friend may have the idea that school=high wage job. it doesn't necessarily. it truly does depend on what you want to do with your degree and the focus you want in your life. so, you go girl! he can go fuck a redwood.

  6. I went back to university (Brit here- for me school is 4-16!) to do my Teaching qualification years and years after I graduated. I was so scared because I had been out of education so long doing a really easy job. It took a little while to click back in but it was all still there. And most importantly, I felt alive and interested for the first time in a long time. You'll have fun. Often the scary things at the start end up being the one we enjoy the most.

  7. Lesson 1: No serious discussions with known douchebags. Learned.

  8. I went back to school after being out for 20 years and it is AWESOME, my brain feels so good. The best advice I got was start slow and build up to more and harder classes. Now I teach adult college students and love my job. You can do this!

  9. You are SO not going to fail! You're going to be all seriously nerdy about it and probably ace every class, which will annoy the people just out of high school who are too busy partying to study. That's my prediction.

  10. Yes, you can do it. I took Associate classes for 3 different insurance degrees while I was working full time. I didn't think I could do it either but I did. You need something to do that gets you involved with other people, gives you a feeling of accomplishment and makes you happy. School sounds like just what you need....

  11. Hi, i've been reading your blog for about 3 years, and this is the first time I figured I could add something constructive with a comment.

    I got my bachelors 3 years ago, and I was the head of recruiting for an organization on campus, I've seen a LOT of people come and go.

    What did I learn: Intelligence makes almost no difference.

    What makes the difference: Showing up. Trying. Don't be lazy. Even if you don't understand something, colleges (usually) offer FREE tutoring for anyone willing to actually try.

    One of my best friends was the worst test-taker I've ever met. He'd study for 20 hours, understand everything, and then get a 30%.

    No teacher failed him. They recognized his work, and his shortcomings, and reacted appropriately, he passed all his classes, even with those grades.

    If you've stuck though all the BS thats happened the last two years, college will be a fuckin' cake walk.

  12. For the record, us college professors absolutely LOVE students like you (there to learn instead of just to get a piece of paper?!? ZOMG!). So, you'll already be a step ahead in that regard. :) And I can tell enough about you from reading your blog all these years that I know you'd do well back in school. At least, in my classes you would! :)

  13. Go Heidi! Hell, half my family would clearly have preferred me to go out and get a job rather than "wasting" 3 years on an English BA... and I'm only 20. You know you'll love it, and I know you'll do well. Because, you know, you're awesome.

  14. You go girl! I have seven years of post-secondary education and though working to get a job as a teacher in a school board has been way tougher than I expected, I do not regret my education and I cherish it and am eager for the time I can do my masters. Like you I am branching out into the unknown: getting qualified to teach high school so I will possibly be a substitute teacher this fall and working hard on my French, which will guarantee me a job. We can do it! It's 100% attitude. Teresa

  15. That guy probably can't get a job because he's a douchebag! LOL. I'm getting ready to finish my degree at 34 years old and I'm so glad I did it. I'll miss the academic environment, but luckily there are always learning opportunities in my field. If you love school so much, maybe you should finish your degree and teach!

  16. Go for it...and I wilsh you all the best.