Wednesday, August 4, 2010

I was talking with my future roommate about how hard it is for me to give up books. I own three pairs of pants (two have holes and one is splattered with paint) and 8,000,000 books. My priorities are clear. They’ve always been my escape. They’re comfort and protection. And giving that away is so fucking difficult. But I’m tired of being so attached to things. (And people too, for that matter.) I’m tired of feeling as if my security is determined by my possessions. So I’m pushing hard to get rid of as much as I can. I want a clean slate and a fresh start. And I can’t have that if I’m dragging the last 30 years in a trailer behind me.

My compulsion with owning stuff was strongly impacted by the robbery. Several years ago – when I moved back in with my parents – I put almost everything I owned into storage. And, three weeks later, it was broken into and almost everything I owned was stolen. I mourned that shit hard. And I know I’m going to have to mourn this too. But I also know it’s for the best. And it’s going to help me to learn to let go. Which is something I desperately need to work on.

Even though it’s painfully difficult to let go of the things I love…there’s this huge part of me that wishes I could grab my cats and laptop and just torch the rest. To just walk away and start over.

I was thinking about it and it occurred to me that there’s almost nothing I own that I wouldn’t give to someone if they wanted it and loved it enough. So I’m trying to think of it in those terms. Someone is going to find this stuff at the thrift store and love it as much as I do. It’s going to make someone’s day. And that makes me really happy and makes it much less difficult to let go of.

I’m not sure what it means that I can’t let go of books I can repurchase and have in my hands within a few days yet got rid of my high school yearbooks with no remorse or hesitation. Though that probably just says more about my feelings on my high school years than it does about my weird book obsession.

I do have to say, the longer I spend sorting/trashing/packing/donating everything in this house the less I want any of it. I’m just so sick of looking at stuff. Of being surrounded by stuff. Of going through stuff. I’m just so fucking over all of it. And that’s helping me let go as well.

I think I’m struggling more physically and logistically with this giant purge than I am mentally. My pain levels are through the fucking roof. There are days when I can barely stand. And the thrift stores won’t bring the furniture or boxes down from upstairs. Never mind that I specifically asked if they’d be able to bring it down and I was told they would. I’m going to have to drag the boxes down the stairs somehow but I have no idea what to do about the furniture. I’m running out of time. I need this shit gone, like, yesterday.

So, I’ve been doing the self-imposed celibacy thing. Wait. Is masturbation allowed when you’re celibate? Or am I thinking of abstinent? Anyway, no one is fucking me except for myself! It’s been a couple of months now. It really isn’t even bothering me. Probably because I have waaaaaaay too much other shit on my mind. It’s kind of surprising since it’s one of the ways I tend to cope with problems and stress. Because of that, though, I think it’s good that I’m taking a break. But, oh my god, I so cannot wait to seduce cute southerners! Hee!

It’s strange, I’ve never had a physical reaction to going off my psych meds before. But now I’m shaking like crazy, headachey, and nauseated. No fun. I’m going to be able to get my mood stabilizer in samples from my psychiatrist’s office. Other than that, I’m off my meds. On the plus side, my mood stabilizer knocks me the fuck out so I’ll be able to sleep once I get back on it. Knock on wood. The mental health clinics are booked out for months due to the massive unemployment and so many people losing their insurance. So I think I’m going to have to just grit my teeth and plow through this until after I’ve moved. My therapist says I can do this, even without my meds. I tell myself that he knows about all of my broken places and still believes in me so maybe, just maybe, I can.

Though I’ve been surviving fairly well without it, I’m really looking forward to having internet again. Mostly because it’s really frustrating to not be able to look up that completely inane and random crap that pops into your mind at 2am. What state is Graceland in? Where is Don Knotts buried? What was the name of He-Man’s cat? Well…that and the porn.

Man. I really need to buy new pants.

9 comments:

  1. Have you considered contacting a church group to ask if they would take your stuff out of the house? Sometimes they need the donations and will do that. Or what about a notice on Craigslist or something?
    Yes, you do need some pants....hope you find some

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  2. You could always turn your books in to Amazon to get credit there and then rebuy some books, or pants, or anything else you need when you make it here! They'd pay for the shipping, all you do is box them up and either take them to the post office or have UPS pick them up (not sure which they use).

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  3. For the furniture:
    * Craigs List or Freecycle. Whoever wants it has to take it downstairs themselves.
    * Try your local Vietnam Vets group. Where I live, they pick up donations.
    * Google "furniture removal yourzipcode" and follow the links. You'll pay, but they'll take anything.

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  4. Hi Heidi.

    Perhaps whatever books you can't sell, you can donate to somewhere worthwhile, like a woman's shelter, or whatever sounds good to you.

    Maybe it will be easier if you can also hold onto something good.

    Just a thought from an asshole.

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  5. We want you to have internet again to we can get more updates from you hun! WE love you... how is it possible to love an internet person we have never met or really talked to? I have no idea... but I am soo rooting for you and can't wait to hear your Southern Adventures!

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  6. You might try freecycle.org to get rid of the things the charity won't make an effort for.

    When you get to Alabama, you can use freecycle again to get things you need.

    You can do this. If I can, you can.

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  7. You can do this.

    I know because I am starting to do it too, because of inspiration I've had over the past couple of years quietly reading your journal.

    Freecycle.org is a good way to get rid of things. Then you don't have to deal with some lazy-ass charity who won't climb the stairs to get the things you are donating.

    Hang on, kiddo. You can.

    luv
    p

    ReplyDelete

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