Tuesday, May 11, 2010

I smuggled in a few pieces of See’s candy for my Mom. I also brought her these huge flower-shaped balloons and wrote a card that made her cry. The balloons are awesome. Especially because she can’t have real flowers in the infectious ward. She happened to be getting vacuum sealed while I was there and showed me her wound. It’s this massive, cavernous (at least) 7x2” hole in her abdomen and the dead tissue and infection were being sucked out by a tube. Am I grossing you out? Sorry, I just find medical stuff fascinating.

She’s managed to sit up in a wheelchair and lift her legs enough to put them on a low bench. The pain was so bad that she almost cried. But she managed to do it. Things are improving. The arthritis is so bad in her knees that she can’t bend them so she’ll probably never walk again. But sitting up is a big step since she’s been in a nearly supine position for six months.

I’m finally getting my tattoo on the 16th. I’m so excited. Thank god that gift certificate doesn’t have an expiration date on it because I received it so many years ago I can’t even remember what birthday it was for. I’m worried about pain because I’m getting it across my shin. Which is, like, the only part of my body that’s not heavily padded with fat. And a needle hitting bone sounds way more painful than a needle hitting fat. But I’m sure it’ll be worth it. Permanence and all. So, yeah, across my left shin I’m getting:

There is no
mistaking a real book
when one meets it.
It is like falling in love.

Nerrrrrrrrrrrrrd! I’ve wanted it forever. I’m all bouncy and happy over it finally happening. It hasn’t even been done and I’ve already planned out my next three.

I am so fucking tired. I desperately need to get a marijuana prescription card and find a dispensary near me. Because weed is the only thing that lets me sleep. And I haven’t slept more than a couple of hours a night in weeks. I think, in the meantime, I’m going to go the non-legal route because I can’t handle this much longer. The other day I was so exhausted that I was, literally, shaking and hearing things. I totally hallucinated! The only other time I’ve done that was when I was on a too-large dosage of Paxil. It’d be kind of awesome if it weren’t so terrifying.

I also need to get my car serviced. It’s more than 5,000 miles overdue and running roughly. Since I have some tax money I can finally get it done. Fingers crossed there’s nothing majorly wrong with it. Be strong, little Ford! Mama loves you!

Poliana and I will be adventuring in two weeks! I can’t wait. Beers and bar-b-que, here we come!

I want the internet so badly right now. I’m overwhelmed with the desire to watch MST3K on YouTube. Oh, Joel, I love you.

Dating has left me so embittered that I’m considering taking a break from it for six months to a year. I’m tired of being lied to; I’m tired of being led on; I’m tired of being ditched with no word… I don’t know though. I’ll continue to think about it. I’m talking to a couple of people now that are possibly promising. (I’ve been burned too many times to be completely optimistic.) So maybe I’ll compromise by just continuing to talk to the people I’m already talking to but take down my personal ads.

Honestly, it’s not the dating, per se. It’s the idea of meeting people who aren’t already in my life in some way that feels really overwhelming and not fun at all right now. I just have so much other shit going on that I can’t be bothered. And it’s stopped being the fun little distraction it used to be. It just isn’t worth the effort these days. It’s draining me, emotionally and physically. And I don’t have anything left for myself. Plus, I make notoriously bad choices when it comes to guys. And I’m tired of that too.

Blah blah blah boring boring boring. These are the ramblings of a person wide awake but exhausted at 5am. I apologize.


  1. Shins aren't that bad.

  2. I took a break from dating for a good few years - it helped me get to know and enjoy my own company. It helped me get ready for a meaningful relationship instead of dating anyone who showed the slightest bit of interest. While it's not for everyone, it helped me.

    Also, have you ever considered nursing, when you're a bit better?

  3. I can't know exactly what you're going through, but you're not alone with the whole so-exhausted-and-can't-sleep thing. We should have a virtual non-slumber party.

  4. "Plus, I make notoriously bad choices when it comes to guys. And I’m tired of that too." what about girls? you ARE bi, right?

  5. After my divorce, when I two little ones to look out for on my own (with a huge support system, i might add) I went 4 years without a date. I would get together with friends, but that was it...it was the best thing i could have done. I learned more about myself during this time than any time in my life up to that decision. I came out stronger, more selective and learning not to "settle." I highly recommend it.