Thursday, May 13, 2010

I finally got some sleep by throwing back Tylenol PMs and guzzling Nyquil. Best idea ever? Maybe not. But the lack of sleep was killing me. I saw my psychiatrist and she prescribed me sleeping pills. And I bought some weed. So I’m hoping that finally, finally, I’ll be knocked the fuck out. God, sleeping through the night would be amazing.

My therapist said, Shame is guilt wrapped in bacon.

He said he knows how my brain works. He knows that it’s hungry for knowledge and stimulation. That going back to school will be my salvation. And he’s right. I know he’s right. I wish I weren’t so afraid. I wish I had more faith in myself. I wish, I wish, I wish. I’m going to try so hard to take a class in the fall. Just one. I can do that. And even baby steps count.

He’s super supportive of the weed and the sort-of-celibacy. I took my OKCupid ad down and found a marijuana doctor somewhat near me. There’s really no doubt that I’ll qualify for a card so I just need to make an appointment, get the prescription, and find a dispensary in my area. Or just continue to buy it illegally. I’m going to think about that for a bit.

My medical insurance premium went up again. It’s now $401.50 a month. Ugh. But I can’t survive without coverage so… I’ll make it happen somehow.

I’m having dinner with an old friend tonight. I’m trying really hard to get out of the house and see people. Because I isolate like crazy and I know that just makes thing worse. So, dinner! Huzzah!


  1. I hope you do follow through and get the legalized card for don't need to get arrested on top of everything careful.
    I know you trust your therapist so I hope you do take at least one college course for something. He's right, you are so need some good stimulation that makes you feel productive.

  2. You write things a lot of the time that could have come out of my fingers word for word, my dear. I wish you lived here, because we would hang out and cheer each other on and drag each other up out of the misery gutter (in person!) like nobody's business.

    So, I might have gotten a little lost: did you move into your teacher's house already, or not yet?

  3. When I get the flu I take a cocktail of benadryl and nyquil and sleep like an angel. If angels sleep. My doctor has forbidden me to ever do that again. I hope the sleeping pills work and you get some rest.

  4. Just be careful cuz you're doubling up on the acetaminophen/Tylenol there (it's in the Nyquil too) - too much can cause liver issues. Hope you feel better soon! ~ Lisa in Orange County

  5. Have you ever taken the VIA strengths survey? (It is a free signup in exchange for them using aggregate data for research.)

    My top strengths are creativity, curiosity, and love of learning. Knowing that, I know that I thrive better in those situations. And, know that you can love the class and hate the work :)

  6. You should ask about Trazadone. I have horrible insomnia because of depression. It's an antidepressant, but at low doses it sometimes works well for people with depression as a sleep aid, plus it can help boost the effects of your other psych meds. It's the only thing that lets me really sleep, like really sleep where my mind isn't going 3 trillion miles a minute and if I wake up I can't get back to sleep and there isn't any yucky doped up feeling when you wake up in the morning. And I've tried all the over the counter stuff. Talk to who ever manages your meds. There is a generic for it too I think.