Monday, May 3, 2010

I don’t know what happened. I was doing well. And then everything just kind of…sank.

I made an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist for tomorrow. So we can discuss changing my meds or upping my dosages. Because my anti-anxiety pills are doing absolutely nothing at this point and my reaction to my sleeping pills are laughable. I’m not even going to tell you how many I can take with no results. Plus I’m really, really depressed, my moods are all over the place, and I’m just trying to fight it hard. There are so many days I can’t get out of bed and feel so dead inside. And, to top it all off, I’m back to not being able to orgasm. So I think it’s time to reevaluate. Even if it’s just temporarily until my life gets back in order.

I’m tired of the chaos in my head. In my life.

See? Being honest with my doctor…self-care.

It’s going to be okay, though. I know this. Because, if nothing else, in the past year I’ve learned that there are medications that work for me. That my brain can be stabilized. It’s just a matter of finding what works. So we’ll keep trying and, eventually, we’ll hit paydirt.

My therapist said: Motivation isn’t what causes action. It’s action itself that breaks inertia.

We talked about letting my friends in to help pack and clean since they’ve offered. And how my response to them is always, “I need to clear off the first layer of crazy before allowing you in.”

My therapist said: Shame is heavy, Heidi. How much do you really need to carry around?

One month left. I’m trying, I really am.

6 comments:

  1. Look, I'm not there but if I were...I would tell you that not only would it help you to get some of the stuff thrown out, recycled, organized and packed, it would help ME too. It would make ME feel like I was making a difference for you. Be gracious and let your friends help you out. They already know you said it was bad so they are not going to freak out. Let them in and let them help you. Good for you on making an emergency appointment too!

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  2. Heidi,

    I got evicted once because my rental apartment was so ridiculously filthy. I had 72 hours to get out before they set all of my shit on the curb. I let friends 2 friends come help me. They pushed up their sleeves. They weren't horrified, even at things that still horrify me. We laugh about it now, how I got evicted for filth... And it is funny, now that I think about it, how I let something so simple to fix control my life for so long.

    Let them in. You need it.

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  3. Aww, sweetie, it will get better. Don't know if this will help, but have you heard of 5-HTP? Supposed to help with mood and sleeping. I'm taking it now, and it definitely helps.

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  4. My therapist said: Shame is heavy, Heidi. How much do you really need to carry around?

    Agreed. Its time to let it go.

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  5. Aw, Heidi. I hear you. I know several people right now that were doing great and are now struggling horribly - despite the fact that winter is over and it's spring. Spring sure doesn't solve everything. I am out here if you need to talk or need someone to listen. Big big huge hugs.

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  6. I'm sure that your therapist has pointed this out to you, but this is the anniversary of when your dad killed himself last year. Of course you've been thrown for a loop. What you went through then and now is incredibly hard. I'm glad to see that you are reaching out for help. I think that's incredibly healthy. Give yourself credit!

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