Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Honesty

Only because a few people asked, my PayPal email is

thesugarmonster AT gmail DOT com

Not expected in any way, shape, or form. But appreciated. So incredibly appreciated.

Add Augusten Burroughs’ Running with Scissors to my electricity-less reading bonanza list. I enjoyed it quite a bit. Now I’m working on The Last Witchfinder.

I feel as if I sprained my knee. I’m limping like crazy now. I kind of jacked it up over the summer at some point and now it wigs out with little to no provocation. I’m just a damn mess, you guys.

Sigh. Alright. Enough bullshit.

You know I always try to be honest in here. For better or worse. I don’t lie, I don’t exaggerate, and I try to not hold things back. So here’s the truth: I think about suicide a lot. Not in a depressed, irrational way. In a calm, cool, calculating way. Which is much scarier. Simply, I’ve lost control of my life and, therefore, I should bring it to its inevitable end. A month ago I sat here with a full bottle of Vicodin in my hand and wondered how many it would take to kill me. If I could take enough before throwing them back up.

And that was before it got as bad as it is now. Now I can’t even afford to get my goddamn medication. So I don’t even have pills to take. I don’t know that I wouldn’t have ended things sooner if it weren’t for my mom. I couldn’t hurt her like that. When my father killed himself, my psychiatrist was worried about me and said that suicide was a legacy. Maybe she’s right.

But then I think, really? I’d end my life over money? That’s so fucking stupid. Stupid and selfish and short-sighted. All of this is fixable. I just need to survive a few more months and I can work on fixing all of it. Just survive, just survive, just survive.

I don’t know. I’m just trying to be honest. Because it’s all I can do. If I write about it maybe it won’t happen. Maybe I’m just exorcising my own demons. Maybe that’s what I’ve been doing all along.

13 comments:

  1. Suicide can be a legacy, sure. Just like abuse, just like any other learned behavior. But those are easy things, a cop-out. Have you EVER done anything the easy way? No...I didn't think so. So don't start now, okeh? XOXO

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  2. I know you are going to be possibly moving in with your teacher...but have you thought about signing up for section 8 housing? It is subsidized housing. I have clients that pay like $5 for rent. It is very helpful and if you combine it with your Social Security and say Food Stamps and Medi-Cal, it makes it a living wage? Just a thought.

    I know I am like the know-it-all public assistance dealer here... and I am sorry. But you are exactly who these programs were created for!

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  3. Yes, money problems are fixable. Not without a lot of work, but from reading your blog and LJ over the past couple years, you are incredibly loved. You have so many people in your life who won't let you *stay* at rock bottom, they're there to help pull you out.

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  4. There is life after money! You are an inspiration to so many, it would be a shame for it to end over a temporary setback, as devastating as it can be. Keep truckin through!!

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  5. *hugs*

    You're on the right track thinking about money the way you are, in relation to your stress levels. It is *just* money and while easier said by those who have some, it's still true nonetheless. Remember, there is NO debtors prison.

    About your medications. I see all these commercials stating claims: "if you can't afford your medications, can help." Have you or your doctor looked into this? Sounds like you have a thorough doc, but I don't remember seeing any mention of that avenue here.

    Anyhow. Stay well and continue the fight against all of the douchebaggery and asshattery that you find yourself up against from time to time.

    You need a super hero costume. Something with glitter.

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  6. Please don't lose focus that this is temporary and fixable. Don't give up. You can get through this.

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  7. I've been there. Keep hanging on - it'll get better. You've got a place to go and people who love you, and you've already survived more than any person should have to in a lifetime, so you are definitely strong enough to hold on until things turn around. It's only money.

    Sending you love & strength. Take care of yourself, please.

    ::big fat hugs::

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  8. Since, as they say, suicide is a "permanent solution to a temporary problem," I tell myself that I should get my latest desperate problem fixed first, then see if I still want to kill myself. So: get moved out of your house first, and if you still want to die, think about it then. (This probably sounds ridiculously harsh to people who have never been suicidal, but it's actually a pretty good way to get your brain cooperatin' with you for a minute.)

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  9. I hope you are telling your psychiatrist and your other therapists about these thoughts. I know that YOU KNOW you will get through this but it seems like you take one step forward and 2 steps back....I sure hope moving in with your teacher will give you someone to talk to who knows you and will give you good advice.

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  10. There's a line by Robert Louis Stevenson 'No man is useless who has a friend, and if we are loved we are indispensable'. I don't know you, but from what I read my guess is that you are more loved than you think and an important friend.

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  11. "There's a line by Robert Louis Stevenson 'No man is useless who has a friend, and if we are loved we are indispensable'. I don't know you, but from what I read my guess is that you are more loved than you think and an important friend."

    THIS.SO.MUCH.

    xoxo

    V

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  12. I sure feel stupid, as I did actually attempt suicide due to financial problems. I know how overwhelming it can be as the bills keep coming and you have nothing left to give. Don't give up. If I wasn't unemployed right now I'd be sending you money to help out.

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  13. Oh Heidi you made me tear up just reading that. I cant tell you enough that I love you and value your friendship so much. Money problems can be fixed, I know you'll push through and be strong. :)

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