Monday, March 29, 2010

Choices

I visited Mama today. She might not want to go ahead with chemo. She’s more prepared for her death than I am. I don’t know if I can handle this. I so don’t want to lose her. But it’s her choice. And I want her to do what makes her happiest. So I held her hand and stroked her hair and tried to memorize the lines of her face. Just in case. Always, just in case.

10 comments:

  1. I wish I could have been there when my mom was going through chemo. I'm thankful her cancer was caught early on, and the chemo and surgery went textbook-normal. Better than that, actually. I hope that whatever choice your mom makes, things go as well for her as it did for my mom.

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  2. That sucks for you. But maybe it is best for her. I'm sorry that you're both facing this, though.

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  3. It takes a lot of courage to make those types of decisions. Thankfully you two have time to talk and reflect on good memories.

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  4. Chemo is toxic for everybody but oftentimes much more so for older people. She may actually have more time with you by not doing the chemo. I've seen it be the wiser choice with many of my older relatives. Hang in there - it's such a tough situation.

    - Shannon

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  5. I'm just hugging you. Because I haven't got anything else.

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  6. Sometimes I think I might've had my dad longer if he'd chosen not to do chemo. We'll never really know. If that's her choice and she's at peace with it, just try to accept it.

    xoxo

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  7. *comments here for the first time and hugs you while she's at it*

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  8. Oh Heidi...I wish I could be there to hold your hand. When my sister (who had been differently abled her whole life) chose not to have a permenant trach put in, she and my mother fought for 3 days, then mom gave in. Tillie was 42, and perfectly able to make decisions on her own. Losing her was the hardest thing i've ever gone through but now i dream of her dancing (she was in a wheelchair her entire life) and running and laughing. She's in paradise and whole once again. I don't know what you believe, and i hope this doesn't offend you, but it comes from a place of love for you and caring for your Mother. Peace be with you my friend. Email me if you ever need to talk.

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