Saturday, February 20, 2010

Status



I can hear you saying, “what the fucking fuck?!?” I know, I know. I kind of kept this on the downlow. But since it’s officially official (Facebook = official, apparently) I thought it’d be okay to start discussing it (and him) in here.

We’re still navigating things because I’m not ready for monogamy yet. Well… Okay, I’m hella terrified to give myself completely to someone again, if I’m being frank. I’m trying to take things slowly so I can work past the fear and not self-sabotage so I can fully commit to him; which is what, I’m pretty sure, I want ultimately. So we’re, at the moment, in an open relationship. But a relationship nonetheless.

D: well I do really want to make you happy
you've had enough sad for now
time for some happy

me: im tired of sad

D: I think I might love you

...

...

me: in the jesus way or in the capital L way?

D: capital

me: i think i might capital L love you too

D: orly?

me: yeah

D: Even if I am just a carpenter?

me: even if you weren't even that

I think we’re kind of adorable together. He makes me feel really safe and makes me laugh really hard. Like, ridiculously hard. He’s super intelligent but a total goofball dork. He calls me “baby” and “love” and kisses my ears and neck so softly. He’s the most selfless lover I’ve ever had and the most physically affectionate guy I’ve ever been with. He makes me feel beautiful and wanted. I trust him enough to not hide my depression and pain and when I’m hurting he holds me tight and strokes my hair. I don’t know…I just feel so good when I’m with him. He makes my heart so full.

I’ve never had anyone so dedicated to making sure I’m happy and fulfilled. It’s kinda throwing me, to be honest. But it’s pretty fucking wonderful at the same time.

18 comments:

  1. If he is a carpenter then you are a lady.

    (Sorry. '70s music throwback. I'll come in again.)

    SQUEEEE!!!!!! <3

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  2. Obviously you are lovable and hopefully this is the real deal and things just continue to get better. You do deserve a good guy....

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  3. Im so happy for you! Hey you! Carpenter guy! Gonna treat my lady friend like the queen she is, ya hear? :D

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  4. OMG! I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

    HAPPY FOR YOU!!! You just described my husband's personality and how he treats me!

    I hope he'll keep on treating you with so much of the love, happiness and tenderness that YOU DESERVE!

    V

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  5. Congratulations! I hope he continues making you fuzzy warm happy.

    By the way, I gave you an award. This post just fit it so well. ;)

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  6. I just saw your facebook and thought I might find an explanation here... Aaaawwwwwwww!!! That's seriously the most adorable conversation ever, I'm so happy for you!

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  7. i am SO SO happy for you. you deserve this so incredibly much
    xoxoxox

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  8. How beautiful is that? I can fill your happiness through my screen. Hold on tight... seems like a great catch.

    Found you through Kelly at The Miller Mix!

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  9. Oh. So, so sweet. I just saw that you got an award and I came over to say hi to you and this just MELTED my heart. Oh. My. Goodness. I wish you all the Happiness in the world : ) With a capital H!

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  10. SOOOO happy to hear this Heidi!!! You deserve someone to love you and treat you right!

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  11. Yay!! Congratulations!! You deserve this, you deserve someone loving you!!

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  12. you know, to be able to love (and truly be loved by) someone else, you have to first love yourself. i don't think you're there yet. of course, this is all just my opinion, but i think you should focus on getting your life back together instead of dating. it's hard to build something solid on a rocky foundation.

    and how are you saying 'i love you' but you're not "ready for monogamy"???? why the rush to that level of intimacy of feelings, when it's clear you're unsure?

    i know it's against the law to disagree with things and i will be vilified, but i'm just saying...

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  13. i know it's against internet law to ever disagree with anyone, but well, sometimes it happens.

    have you ever heard the idea that you have to love yourself before you can love another and before they can truly love you? based on the things you write, it doesn't seem like you're there yet.

    and the whole "love" thing. to be in love means to give yourself to someone- to trust them to handle you carefully and with kindness. but you don't feel that way. you even said that don't have that trust. what's the rush? why can't you just get to know this guy? why do you have to rush to change your fb status? why rush to say i love you when it's clear you're not comfortable saying it-- otherwise it wouldn't be over IM.

    of course, these are all just opinions, but hopefully you can see that maybe you're jumping into this to not have to face what's really going on in your life.

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  14. Just catching up on my subscriptions--so happy for you! Disgustingly cute couple pics requested (when you are ready, of course :)

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