Monday, February 15, 2010

Portland 2010

The amazing Ashley flew me up to Portland for Valentine’s Day weekend. I hella sucked at taking pictures this time around for some reason. But it was, without a doubt, the best Valentine’s I’ve ever had.

Ashley and Pam picked me up from the airport! And brought me The Fat Elvis from The Grilled Cheese Grill. AKA peanut butter, banana, and motherfucking bacon! Mouth orgasm.

Then there was a lot of drinking and IT happened. IT isn’t that I puked. IT isn’t that I passed out in the living room right before the guests started arriving for the Apples to Apples party. No, both of those things I can handle just fine. But IT? Um. Evidently I, in my drunken, passed out state began touching myself. In the middle of the Apples to Apples party. Yep. I’m one classy broad.

And then I managed to silence the party (after I came to) by exchanging Reno 911 quotes with Ashley. And my line was, “I think one of those nigger kids stole it.” Talk about a screeching halt.

So who has two thumbs and caused epically awkward moments? This guy!

Tons of trashy TV and booze.

We all went to see the fucking bad ass Storm Large’s Crazy Love performance with the Oregon Symphony. The show was absolutely amazing.

Booze, carbs, weed, and Aziz Ansari. Like I said? Best Valentine’s Day ever.

I had to leave for the airport at 4am so, being a smart woman, Ashley sent me in a cab. Somehow, and I still don’t quite know how it happened, the driver and I spent the entire ride discussing porn, anal sex, and other incredibly inappropriate things. Amazing.

My first flight was completely uneventful yet also incredibly late. And wow is the Seattle airport massive! By the time I exited the plane and raced across it (dude, it involved a train just to get from one side to the other) I was the last person to board my connecting flight. First class, motherfuckers! And you know I started drinking at 7am. Vodka with orange juice is totally an appropriate breakfast beverage.

The End!

Lesson Learned
Breakfast Beer (aka beer with a raw egg in it) is nowhere near as gross as one would automatically assume.

I’m insanely blessed to have two such amazing, non-judgmental, kick-ass women in my life.


  1. Breakfast beer rocks, man! And holy hopping SHIT I must have one of those Fat Elvis sammiches. Next trip to the grocery store I am going to pick up the makins and get me one. And then I am going to assfuck, I mean make sweet love to that sammich :)

  2. That is so awesome that you have people who love you so much and miss you so much they will pay for your trip! You are truly blessed... I have lived in my town for 12 years and my BF has only visited me a total of one time.... boo on her!

    You sounded like you had an amazing time!

  3. Not only were you three hours away for almost 4 days, but you were in my airport?


  4. I am glad you had such an amazing time!!!


  5. It does like like a drunken lovefest was had by all. Glad you enjoyed your special Valentine's holiday...Now back to reality!

  6. AAAAHAHAHAHAAA! OH Heidi. I love you.

  7. Hey now, I brought all the lovely visiting ladies and hostess roses for V-day <3

    And I tried to keep your hand from taking an exhibition further south but really I think you were just rubbing your belly thinking of those nachos!

  8. I have long endorsed Guinness for breakfast and I ain't gonna stop now.

    (Lowered, I have missed you. And I heart this new site.)

  9. Ha ha! One of my friends once started touching herself while blacked out. We still tease her (and her still-horrified roommate) about it. High fives all around!

    Glad you had a great weekend, hon.

  10. The sandwich... the food you eat, post gastric bypass even... What part of 500 lbs, gastric bypass, and fatass don't you understand?